Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
