Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Be careful what you wish for. A simple request to be set on fire might come back to haunt you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.
