Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Be careful what you wish for. A simple request to be set on fire might come back to haunt you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.
