Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Neighbors will continue to complain about your horse-training technique until your thoroughbreds stop making such a racket when they run full-tilt into the Invisible Fence.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While you're aware that people enjoy watching you get hit by buses, you're still surprised that so many are spending $54.95 to sign up for next Sunday's pay-per-view accident.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This would be a good week to make big plans at work if it weren't for the fact that last week was a good week to be fired for no reason after 15 years at the same company.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll inspire disbelief, jealousy, and not a little hatred when you, rather than Puerto Rico, are named as America's 51st state.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Unfortunately, this is not in fact your horoscope but a nefarious form of demonic sorcery. Do not read it lest you wish to unleash horrors and abominations unspeakable.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally achieve that race victory that's been eluding you for so long, although it'll take a few days for the welts to heal where the jockey whipped you on the home stretch.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although you keep insisting that print is dead, it doesn't seem to have hurt your ability to find newspapers to cover yourself with while sleeping on park benches.
