Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling nearly at the speed of sound.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy!
