Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
