Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.