Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.
Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

The secret love you've pined for from afar for so long will appear to you in a dream and say, "Ha ha, you gutless simp: This is just a dream!"











The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
© Copyright 2010 Onion Inc. All rights reserved.