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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

May 30, 2007 | Issue 43•22

Your Birthday Today

The secret love you've pined for from afar for so long will appear to you in a dream and say, "Ha ha, you gutless simp: This is just a dream!"

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Because of your unhealthy relationship with public transportation, counselors will spend months trying to convince you that the bus does not hit you because it loves you.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Your arduous quest for self-improvement will hit yet another snag this week when you admit you have a crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Saturn will enter your sign this week just as the cute new employee in accounting is about to ask you out, ruining your chances for happiness forever.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your inability to heed a single piece of celestial advice has driven the stars in your sign to become gamma-ray bursters. Your fear of commitment is now responsible for the radiation deaths of three trillion aliens in seven systems.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You are a fool if you do not consider purchasing the stars' low-mileage 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, featuring a clean interior, six-CD changer, new tires, and a recent service, all for just $3,600.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Love means different things to different people, but you're the only one for whom it means that to every w-consistent class K of formula there correspond recursive class-sign r (on free var. v), such that neither (v Gen r) nor ~(v Gen r) belong to Flg (K).

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

At the risk of sounding too forward, and with full knowledge they are acting outside their purview, the General Mills board of directors is of the opinion that a navy blue sports coat looks great on anyone.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You think of yourself as the kind of person who hungers for all the knowledge and new experiences life has to offer, but actually you usually fill up on the free salad and breadsticks.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

After the fire at your place, investigators won't want to question you so much about smoking in bed or the grow lights in the closet but about the stacks and stacks of bridal magazines.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Although the editors at Penguin have received your letters and are sorry you do not "get" Milton, they will refuse to make any of your 3,264 suggested changes to Paradise Lost.

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