Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
