Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
