Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
