Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
