Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Don't worry, your crippling agoraphobia will soon be cured by your crippling arachnophobia.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
