Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Don't worry, your crippling agoraphobia will soon be cured by your crippling arachnophobia.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
