Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Lately it may seem as if you're losing your hair, but don't worry: That has nothing to do with the aging process.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
