Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Lately it may seem as if you're losing your hair, but don't worry: That has nothing to do with the aging process.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
