Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
