Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Don't let any man tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
When played with skill and grace, the game of soccer is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, fiscal concerns, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember: There's no use in screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
