Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Meditate on the unique and breathtaking splendor of the natural world. Do this for as long as it takes them to fix your cable box.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
