Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Meditate on the unique and breathtaking splendor of the natural world. Do this for as long as it takes them to fix your cable box.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
