Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It'll finally hit you that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now—a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar, but by the mush inside of it.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
