Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Congratulations, you're now officially too old to have roommates!
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
