Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Congratulations, you're now officially too old to have roommates!
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
