Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Congratulations, you're now officially too old to have roommates!
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
