Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It's not so much your habit of hitting on women that people dislike, but more that you do it with your fists.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
