Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
It's not so much your habit of hitting on women that people dislike, but more that you do it with your fists.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
