Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you'll stil have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of hesitation, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely soaking your ridiculous shirt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There's nothing more American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You'll need a stethoscope, too.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week's events, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a few different levels.
