Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A set of trick candles will result in the hilarious smoke-inhalation death of nearly 12 party guests tonight.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
