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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

October 9, 2007 | Issue 43•41

Your Birthday Today

A set of trick candles will result in the hilarious smoke-inhalation death of nearly 12 party guests tonight.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.

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