Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but laziness will be responsible for its decomposition in the middle of your living room floor.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
