Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but laziness will be responsible for its decomposition in the middle of your living room floor.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
