Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Throwing a temper tantrum won't do you any good today. If you really want to go to the zoo that bad, just drive yourself.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
