Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Take control of your life! A half-cup of chicken's blood mixed with the tears of a fallen waif should once and for all break that gypsy's curse.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
