Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Set aside some time to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. Ten to 15 seconds should be more than enough to experience them all.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
