Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will discover the power of chain letters this week when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
