Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you'll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
