Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Past Horoscopes
February 9, 2010
Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
February 2, 2010
Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
January 26, 2010
Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
January 19, 2010
Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
January 12, 2010
Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
December 8, 2009
Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
December 1, 2009
Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
November 24, 2009
Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
November 17, 2009
Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
Your Birthday Today
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you'll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
