Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you'll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
