Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The arrival of a new child will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly understand. But then, you don't specialize in rare skeletal birth defects.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
