Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Turns out the police officer is actually a male dancer, and that flushing all those drugs wasn't necessary.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
