Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Although not normally the superstitious type, you will still fear the worst today when a black man crosses your path.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
