Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
