Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll soon spot your very first white hair, an incredible feat considering the thickness of your cataracts.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
