Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The position of the moon, along with neighboring stars and outlying planets, can only mean one thing for Virgo today: Your gullibility will continue unabated.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
