Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
