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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

September 22, 2009 | Issue 45•39

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.

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