Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While you've always known sapphire to be your birth stone, you'll soon discover granite to be your death stone.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
