Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
While you've always known sapphire to be your birth stone, you'll soon discover granite to be your death stone.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
