Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While one's sense of hearing is often the first to go, with you it'll be the sense of dignity.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
