Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.
