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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

September 29, 2009 | Issue 45•40

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.

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