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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

September 29, 2009 | Issue 45•40

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll find Jesus this week, more or less in the exact same place you lost him: underneath the football bleachers behind school.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Look, the stars foresee whatever the hell you want them to foresee, okay? Good. Now, let's all just move on with our respective days.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs will not only not help people evacuate faster, but it'll also convince most of them that there's some sort of fire they need to outrun.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

They say you're just a big kid trapped in a grown man's body, but then, they've never really seen you what you look like naked in front of the mirror before.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

When threatened, armadillos are known to curl up into a protective ball for hours on end—a practice that will make this week's encounter with one a rather embarrassing stalemate.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Though your new prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, many can tell it's not real, mostly because people don't have three ears.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

A series of runaway gasoline trucks will soon prove that dying young and leaving a pretty corpse behind don't necessarily go hand in hand.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

We all stand on the shoulders of giants. Some of us, however, do it in order to flash the band.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You truly believe that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, making you the most powerful 400-pound chain-smoking chronic masturbator in the world.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

While it's true that history is written by the winners, it, like most everything else in life, is copyedited by the losers.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll finally see your friends for who they really are this week: good and decent people desperately trying to inch themselves away from you.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

While having high expectations for oneself can be productive, it can also be lead to heartache and disappointment, especially for a giant loser such as yourself.

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