Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
