Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
Sports »
Placekicker Using Practice To Work On Placekicking
HOUSTON—Texans placekicker Kris Brown used a three-hour practice Thursday to work on placekicking, sources reported. more»
Recent News »
Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan
LOS ANGELES—As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on......more»
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Infographic »
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan
Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan.
Here are the options currently being......more»
Local
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Boarding School Student Receives Wet William
DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a......more»
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National News Highlights »
TULSA,OK-Rather than listen to one more pale, gaunt kid's half-assed story, pharmacist Jerry Martin decided to just go ahead and refill the young man's Adderall prescription three weeks early.
World
Entertainment
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'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs
SCRANTON, PA—After nearly six years on the air, NBC's hit show The Office ended abruptly Thursday when documentary filmmaker Ian......more»
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Horoscopes »
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
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TV Listings »
Parking Garage Surveillance Camera
DISC
12 a.m. EST/11 p.m. CST
A tight advertising market has caused the Discovery Channel to lay off its overnight security guards, so if you spot anything suspicious happening in tonight's live feed from the network's parking garages, please call the number at the bottom of your screen.
Science & Technology
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Nation To Be Sterilized From 1 P.M. To 4 P.M. This Friday
NEW YORK—The mandatory sterilization of all sexually mature U.S. citizens is set to take place this Friday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m Eastern......more»
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Infographic »
'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records
During its first five days on the shelves, Activision's latest installment in the first-person-shooter video game franchise Call Of......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The PoorSo, the United States just sent another multimillion-dollar shuttle out into space to do God knows what. Yet all the while, back here on Earth,......more»
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Corrections »
In last week's article about the reality show America's No. 1 Dancer, we described the sequence of contestant Casey Mendez's dance as step, kick, twirl, step, slap, clap, down, swivel, turn, step, snap, cha-cha, stomp, step, shimmy, and split, when in fact we actually made that show up to fill space. The Onion regrets the error.
Economy
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Video »
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree....more»
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Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway
DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer......more»
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Real Estate »
Living Room Floor
Hardwood floor seeking a guy who's a friend of a friend of other roommates to crash on it for much longer than expected. Would prefer the kind of guy who's around a lot for no reason, doesn't own towels, and shows up with random girls occasionally. Shouldn't give any more than two days warning as to when he'll show up. REF#726348
