Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners
Sports »
Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot
NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'
FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people......more»
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Infographic »
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan
Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan.
Here are the options currently being......more»
Local
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Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father
INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the......more»
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News In Photos »
Check It Out: Deer
World
Entertainment
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U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs
WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs....more»
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Horoscopes »
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
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TV Listings »
Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store
HGTV
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Donny tells some chump right where to get off when the idiot doesn't even have the sense to bring in the lid of the paint he wants another can of.
Science & Technology
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Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier
PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal......more»
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News In Photos »
CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor
Opinion
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Commentary »
This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The ToiletI've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.
Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA
Economy
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Video »
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree....more»
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Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living
CHARLOTTE, NC—Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he described......more»
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Stockwatch »
YHOO
Yahoo!Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
