New Harlem Globetrotter Rudy 'Rude Dude' Williams Not Working Out
HARLEM, NY—Globetrotters coaches announced Monday that, due to his shockingly inappropriate on-court behavior—including taking trick shots designed to injure opponents... more»
Sports »
Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason
KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had "no idea" he was permitted to make player transactions between baseball seasons. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead....more»
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Infographic »
Revisiting White House Security Protocols
After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the......more»
Local
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Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex
PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse......more»
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National News Highlights »
BANGOR,ME-Spring is only six months away!
World
Entertainment
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'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs
SCRANTON, PA—After nearly six years on the air, NBC's hit show The Office ended abruptly Thursday when documentary filmmaker Ian......more»
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Horoscopes »
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their money from.
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TV Listings »
Nick's All-Star Scrooge Deluge
NICK
7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST
iCarly, Drake & Josh, The Naked Brothers Band, and Ned's Declassified all base half-hour episodes on the plot of Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and some writer got paid for each one.
Science & Technology
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Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It
BALTIMORE—Local restaurant manager Brad Conner signed up for a PumpkinZonia.com membership Monday, attracted by the irresistible lure of 10 completely free, no-strings-attached Prismatic Pumpkin Points, which he can spend as he sees fit....more»
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Infographic »
'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records
During its first five days on the shelves, Activision's latest installment in the first-person-shooter video game franchise Call Of......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It?I've been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I've seen a lot of shit in my day. I've seen orcas eat defenseless cod,......more»
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Corrections »
Last week we forgot to include homoerotic undertones in our piece on high school wrestling. The Onion regrets the omission.
Economy
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Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now
NEW YORK—"Huh, I wonder where everyone is," said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. "Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now."...more»
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Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway
DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer......more»
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Statshot »
Must-Have Gifts, 2009
