Sports Going Through Slump
NEW YORK—With its confidence fading, its fans dissatisfied, and without a notable success since the Stanley Cup finals, sports is officially suffering an agonizing slump.
more»Sports »
Michael Jordan Wondering Why He Wasn't In NBA Jam
HIGHLAND PARK, IL—After finding his old Super Nintendo in a routine cleaning of his attic, basketball great Michael Jordan was stunned to... more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Military Institutes New 'Don't Tell, Let Me Guess' Policy
WASHINGTON—Pentagon officials announced Tuesday a new policy toward homosexuals in the armed services, the so-called "Don't Tell, Let Me......more»
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Infographic »
Landmark Gay Rights Cases
With New Hampshire becoming the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some......more»
Local
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Girlfriend Loves Spending 'Alone Time' With You
SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some "alone time" this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she'd love nothing more......more»
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Great Escapes »
Nantucket
Visit picturesque Nantucket! As seen in the opening credits of Wings.
World
Entertainment
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Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped
LOS ANGELES—Saying it was a waste of $11, Los Angeles resident Dan Bevver expressed disappointment Sunday that The Taking Of Pelham 1 2......more»
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TV Listings »
PBA King Of Bowling
ESPN2
9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT
Mike Scroggins loses his cool when at exactly 9:00 p.m. the alley switches to laser bowling.
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News In Photos »
Jason Statham Beats Wedding Planner To Death In New Romantic Comedy
Science & Technology
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Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway
PRINCETON, NJ—A new report compiled by the Institute for Advanced Studies stated Monday that, aw, you probably wouldn't be interested and......more»
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Infographic »
World's Oldest Musical Instrument Discovered
Last month, the journal Nature reported that archaeologists had discovered the world's oldest known musical instrument, a 35,000-year-old......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's SagaHearken! Fair was the morning and bright the day when I first noticed that the saga of Gylfy Halfdane—that's me, Gylfy, "The Gylf" to my......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Um, last time I checked, "Dear The Onion" means something very different than "Dear Everyone Who Reads The Onion." That was a letter to the editor! As in, for his eyes only. Shame on you!
June Hamilton, Putney, VT
Economy
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New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls
EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel, which has been criticized in the past for promoting unrealistic standards of beauty, claimed that the new doll would not only improve the self-esteem of growing girls, but would also give them someone to feel superior to for hours on end....more»
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KFC No Longer Permitted To Use Word 'Eat' In Advertisements
WASHINGTON—While "eat," "feast on," and "taste" remain off-limits, the FCC has approved the use of "purchase," "be near to," "look at," and "hold."...more»
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Stockwatch »
VIA
ViacomShare prices took a hit after the media conglomerate announced that it was going to bet all of the profits from its summer blockbuster Star Trek on one game of roulette.
