Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?'
Sports »
Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner
Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly....more»
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Infographic »
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan
Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan.
Here are the options currently being......more»
Local
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Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 46, has become a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head....more»
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Community Calendar »
Friday, Nov. 27
This Friday's demolition of the old Regional Hospital will be announced by one long horn blast, three short horn blasts, 300 perfectly sequenced explosions, and the loud rumbling collapse of several hundred tons of concrete.
World
Entertainment
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U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs
WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs....more»
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Horoscopes »
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol. Some problems require you to forge ahead into drugs and alcohol.
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News In Photos »
Shakira Just Not Feeling Up To Jiggling Ass Today
Science & Technology
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Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing
BOSTON—Members of the world's engineering and telecommunications communities admitted Tuesday that fiber optics, the supposed technological......more»
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News In Photos »
CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor
Opinion
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Commentary »
Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For DialysisI take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to......more»
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Editorial Cartoon »
Editorial Cartoon - November 23, 2009
Economy
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Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway
DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer......more»
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Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup
WASHINGTON—"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO Brian Thomas Swette, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans on average use 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal....more»
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Stockwatch »
WEN
Wendy's/Arby's GroupFools who believed an alliance of the vermilion-haired witch and the speaking oven mitt would achieve total dominion gnashed their teeth upon realizing that all are held in the palm of a darker gauntlet.
