New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves
Sports »
Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team
WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.
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Infographic »
Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census
Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any......more»
Local
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Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet
CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone....more»
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Statshot »
What's Our Spring Cleaning Project?
World
Entertainment
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its......more»
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Horoscopes »
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
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TV Listings »
Celebrity Shvitz
FOX
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
An emergency bathhouse meeting is called after it comes out that Eddie Mekka hasn't been using a towel when he sits on the porous redwood sauna benches.
Science & Technology
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Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The SignBuying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly.......more»
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Corrections »
In yesterday's financial reform article on page 4B, we accidentally used too much ink in the accompanying photo of Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). The Onion regrets the horrifying ghostly mirror image that was impressed upon the opposite page.
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
DUKE
Duke & Duke Commodities BrokersStock prices plummeted today as proprietors Mortimer and Randolph Duke, believing a fraudulent orange crop report to be authentic, incurred a $394 million loss from their purchase of frozen concentrated orange juice futures at inflated prices, and, in turn, subsidized the fortunes of two men—a former privileged investor and a onetime street hustler—whose fates they had cruelly reversed in a contemptible low-stakes wager.
