College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School
Sports »
Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland
CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover
WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the......more»
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Infographic »
Defense Bill Features Less Waste
The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential......more»
Local
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Video »
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality....more»
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Weddings »
Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.
World
Entertainment
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Timeless Masterpiece Liked
SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of......more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
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News In Photos »
Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone
Science & Technology
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Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier
PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal......more»
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Infographic »
October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.
Here are some things women can do to......more»
Opinion
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Advice »
Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex RestaurantDear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!
The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA
Economy
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Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears
NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I let it bother me. I've lived a rich, rewarding life. But they're so pretty, and their hair is so perfect."...more»
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World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall
SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses......more»
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Stockwatch »
JCP
JCPenneyAs the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
