Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report
Sports »
NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard
BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period... more»
Recent News »
Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
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Infographic »
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some......more»
Local
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Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save....more»
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Weddings »
Reed Jefferson married his high school sweetheart, Morgan Linley, on Saturday. They met four years ago, when he was a shop teacher and she was in ninth grade.
World
Entertainment
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its......more»
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Horoscopes »
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
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News In Photos »
Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga
Science & Technology
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Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are," said CEO Eric Schmidt....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister'It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
I missed the first 30 years of Garfield. Would you mind summarizing? Thanks.
Sarah Weatherly, Lincoln, NE
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
GOYA
GoyaAlthough it is not uncommon among Latin American firms, markets still reacted negatively to news that a radical cannery laborer had seized control of the corporate headquarters, disbanded the board of directors, and declared himself chief financial officer for life.
