Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs
Sports »
New Orleans Moves To No. 3 In NFL Power Rankings
MIAMI—On the heels of their 31-17 win over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints rose to the third spot in the most recent NFL team power rankings more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night
Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."...more»
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News In Photos »
Line To Meet Sarah Palin Goes Straight Through Mall Fountain
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Local
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Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor
ATHENS, GA—"I'm so glad I thought to put it there," said Nick Hurley, whose iPod, house keys, and new laptop computer were made utterly secure in the corner....more»
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News In Photos »
Vegan Unaware Pineapple He’s Eating Once Used To Beat Cow To Death
World
Entertainment
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Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated......more»
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Horoscopes »
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
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TV Listings »
Congressional Bloopers
C-SPAN
3 a.m. EST/2 a.m. CST
On this episode, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) accidentally votes for a bill to legalize machine guns, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) is caught saying he wouldn't mind if his grandchildren had a gay schoolteacher, and a window washer falls through a skylight.
Science & Technology
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Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet
CUPERTINO, CA—Claiming that he completely forgot about the much-hyped electronic device until the last minute, a frantic Steve Jobs......more»
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Infographic »
Apple Finally Unveils iPad
Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004We've been together quite a while now, and I truly believe that if our relationship is going to last—if we're really going to commit to a......more»
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Editorial Cartoon »
Editorial Cartoon - February 8, 2010
Economy
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Hospital Paperwork Reduces Man's Reading Comprehension To First-Grade Level
HOUSTON—The frustrating paperwork for a routine visit to St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital reduced Kenneth Anderson's reading comprehension to a......more»
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Burger King Looks Open
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Burger King at Roselle and Hartford report that, despite the late hour,......more»
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Stockwatch »
HKFM
Hickory FarmsSeeking to expand the market for its products beyond the holiday season, the company launched a new line of Black History Month sausage-and-cheese gift boxes.
