Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 7, 1996 - August 13, 1996 | Issue 30•01

Radioactive Yeast Infection Transforms Local Woman into Superpowered Crimefighter

METROPOLIS—In a transformation that has baffled nuclear physicists and gynecologists alike, an area woman recently gained superhuman powers through an accidental radioactive yeast infection. Though her real identity remains a mystery, to the millions of honest, law-abiding citizens of Metropolis who live in constant fear of crime, she goes by one name:...

United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In Indigestion Relief For U.S.

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News

In what has been called the largest gastrointestinal rescue effort in history, the United Nations allocated $1.2 billion in antacid relief yesterday... more»
Chinese Athletes Put Back Into Storage

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News

BEIJING, CHINA—After two weeks of remarkable success against the world's finest athletes, the Chinese National Olympic Team was carefully... more»
Band's Van Breaks Down

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route... more»
Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal... more»
Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q... more»
African Nation Not War-Torn

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News In Brief

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to... more»
Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic... more»
Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching... more»
Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News In Brief

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh...... more»
Swimsuit Skirt Conceals Hideous Thigh Region

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | News In Brief

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—A swimsuit skirt successfully concealed more than six inches of upper thigh Monday, sparing hundreds of beachgoers from the... more»
I Can Help the Next Person Here

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Commentary

There's no waiting at register three. Wheel your cart right over! I can help the next person. Any number of items! more»
Very Few People Like Me

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Commentary

Very few people like me because I'm loud, and when I speak I usually demand something, only not in English, but rather by grunting. Then I get very... more»
I Just Wrote a Hymn

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Columnists

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: I Never Wanted You vs. Mommy, Please Come Home

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Point-Counterpoint

You were a mistake, you know. I never planned to have you, and now I'm stuck with you. more»
Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Horoscopes

Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills... more»
Rollerblade Rage

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Infographic

In-line skates have all of America on the go. What are the reasons for their incredible popularity? more»
The Not-So-Friendly Skies

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | What Do You Think?

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a... more»