Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 21, 1996 - August 27, 1996 | Issue 30•02

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors. "'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the...

Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to assure that the pyramid erection remains on schedule. more»
Fed to Make Interest Rates Undulate Relaxingly

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a major step toward establishing a more "soothing and peaceful" U.S. economy by Fiscal Year 1998, Federal Reserve Board Chairman... more»
Man With Shirt Off Terrifies Community

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News

MIDFORD, OHIO—Downtown Midford was rocked with terror yesterday when a man with his shirt off casually lounged in the sun, causing panic in the... more»
Pepsi to Probe Mars For Possible 16- to 23-Year-Olds

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News

SOMERS, NY—Responding to the recent discovery of possible life on Mars, PepsiCo is launching an exploratory space probe to the Red Planet in search... more»
Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Brief

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas.... more»
Sports De-Emphasized

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning... more»
Man With Big Stick To Lead Russia

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Brief

MOSCOW—With severe political instability, economic woes and a war in Chechnya threatening to tear Russia apart, Kremlin officials announced today... more»
Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human... more»
Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Brief

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and... more»
'Nothing Ordinary' About Multinational Chain of PepsiCo-Owned, Mexican-Themed Fast Food Outlets

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Photos
Emperor Penguin Demands More Smelt

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Photos
Hootie and the Blowfish: Breaking Down Racial Barriers Between Black, White Pussies

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Photos
Mousy Brunette Removes Glasses, Becomes Sizzling Sexpot

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | News In Photos
Somebody Should Do Something About All the Problems

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | Commentary

Why isn't anyone doing anything about all the problems? We're living in a time with super computers and underwater sea stations and million-dollar... more»
How to Make a Newspaper Hat

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | Columnists

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | Horoscopes

The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets. more»
Everybody's Working For The Weekend

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | Infographic

All across America, millions of perople are toiling long hours just to make it to the respite of Saturday abnd Sunday. Why are so many of us working... more»
Is There Life on Mars?

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | What Do You Think?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not... more»