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August 28, 1996 - September 3, 1996 | Issue 30•03

Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under the new title Tit Planet. "We liked the original version," said Mammoth Video president Ron Hillman of...

Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

BOULDER, CO—A diverse group of marijuana advocates, or "stoners" as they are popularly known, mistakenly held a massive rally in support of... more»
Iraqi POW Wins Nobel Prize for Screaming

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—In a formal ceremony yesterday, Ahmat Al-Fassan, an Iraqi soldier held prisoner and brutally tortured by Iranian captors for more... more»
BYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

PROVO, UT—Physicists from Brigham Young University announced they have converted a tiny particle into the truth and sanctity of the Book of Mormon. more»
Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—Researchers are responding with mockery and distaste after geeky aliens transmitted prime numbers from one to 100. more»
Yacht Club Regatta Marred By Tragic Undergrilling of Mahi Mahi

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

NEWPORT, RI—Eighteen people were disappointed and six left badly unsatiated Saturday when guests at the Newport Yacht Club's annual Harborside... more»
Asian-Americans Defying Traditional Stereotypes

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—When Dith Trang and Rodney Kim get together after school, academics are the furthest thing from their minds. more»
Liver Flees George Jones' Body

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's... more»
Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Brief

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday,... more»
Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in... more»
Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Brief

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have... more»
Stupid Magazine Ranks Some Stupid Crap

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK, NY—Fling magazine, the "magazine for on-the-go twentysomethings," arbitrarily ranked a bunch of stupid crap from 1 to 10 in its... more»
Loan Officer From Future Warns: 'Stop Mortgaging Your Home at Only 1.65% of the Prime Rate!'

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Photos
Hurricane Bitch Hits Florida

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Photos
J.F.K. High Cougars To Go, Fight, Win

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Photos
Leno To Tell Outrageous O.J. Joke

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | News In Photos
It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Commentary

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French... more»
The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Commentary

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner... more»
The Liniment That Saved My Life

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Columnists

This Saturday I'll be observing my 112th birthday, and the well-wishes and accolades have been pouring into my vast plantation-estate. The King of... more»
Ask the Dungeonmaster

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Advice

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Horoscopes

The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets. more»
Macarena Madness

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Infographic

All across America, people can't stop moving to the beat of the Macarena. Why? more»
Military Academies Under Fire

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | What Do You Think?

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain... more»