Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 4, 1996 - September 10, 1996 | Issue 30•04

Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party Hampered By 85,000 Gallons of Combustible Fuel Oil

ERIE, PA—There was nothing left below the knees of three party-goers yesterday, as 85,000 gallons of combustible fuel oil gushed through the living room of 6-year-old Kenny Dodds, scorching everything in its path. "Kenny had a wonderful time," said his mother, Diane Dodds, speaking from her bed in the intensive care burn ward at Erie County Medical Center....

Mountain Dew Council of Elders Exiles Non-Radical Teen

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

From their hidden sanctuary high atop Mount Dew, the Mountain Dew Council Of Elders formally passed judgment on area teen Brian Ruderman yesterday,... more»
Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

CHICAGO—A string of inner-city stabbings left five residents of Chicago's wealthy Highland Park suburb maidless this weekend. more»
'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

A U.S. Geographic Survey expeditionary force announced yesterday that it has discovered an unexplored and heretofore unknown land region between the... more»
U.S. Department of Education Study Reveals Seniors Rule

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Education released the results of an exhaustive three-year study of American secondary schools Monday,... more»
DMV Reconsidering 'One For the Road' Driver Relaxation Campaign

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

SPRINGFIELD, IL—With drunk driving fatalities in Illinois nearly tripling in the past year, the state's Department of Motor Vehicles announced... more»
Area Man Feeds Own Self

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News

In a real-life fight for survival last week, area resident Jerry Svoboda was forced to prepare his own meals rather than succumb to the threat of... more»
U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of... more»
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, NY—According to sources, an idea thought of Monday has been reported to be so crazy and ill-conceived that it may actually wind up... more»
Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik... more»
'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found... more»
Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Brief

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the... more»
Produce Manager Ready For Some Football

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Photos

more»
Area Ostrich Lashes Out Against Unnecessarily Restrictive Zoning Laws

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Photos
Vatican Unveils New Rosary For Windows

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Photos
Clinton Woos Gay Vote With Freddie Mercury Mustache

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | News In Photos
My Hot Dog Cart Is Undermanned

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

All the time, I catch people bellyachin' about the economy and how they're having trouble finding a job. Well you can bet I give them an earful, and... more»
The Joy of Sales

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

First of all, I can see you're all busy folks and the last thing you need is to waste time listening to a load of you-know-what, so let's get one... more»
I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Columnists

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over... more»
I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Columnists

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Point-Counterpoint

Hug me! I am so cute and furry. I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Horoscopes

It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages. more»
Rising College Costs

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Infographic

The price of a college education is higher than ever, as tuition costs continue to rise. How are America's universities spending all this extra... more»
A Heroin Experience

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | What Do You Think?

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film... more»