Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 11, 1996 - September 17, 1996 | Issue 30•05

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later this evening. The masturbation, during which Royce will bring himself to climax through the use of autoerotic manual stimulation, is hoped to provide Royce with a much-needed outlet for the carefully...

U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News

In a move designed to send a "definite message to the Hussein regime," President Clinton yesterday deployed three divisions of elite American... more»
Suburban Recycling Program Now Accepting Broken and Discarded Dreams

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News

MINEOLA, NY—The Nassau County Department of Sanitation announced today that its recycling program will be expanded to include pickup and processing... more»
Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will... more»
Perot, Forbes Join Forces to Form Crazy Rich Bastards Party

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News

American voters were given a third political option yesterday when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot and multi-millionaire publishing magnate/heir... more»
MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the... more»
Instant Gratification Sped Up

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to the demands of the American people, U.S. officials sped up instant gratification yesterday, making wish fulfillment more... more»
Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Brief

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into... more»
Area Panties In A Bunch

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Brief

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening.... more»
Jews To Celebrate Rosh Hashasha Or Something

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some... more»
Defense Department Layoffs Result In Increased Video Rentals

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a high-level Pentagon memo, it was revealed yesterday that the recent laying off of more than 2,500 Defense Department employees... more»
Community Rallies To Win Private Busing For Freaky-Looking Winter Hat Guy

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Photos
Management Consultant To Consult With Management

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Photos
'97 Camaros To Come With Pubescent Mustaches

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Photos
Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | News In Photos
This Casual Day Thing Has Gone Too Far

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Commentary

Look, I'm as fun-loving as the next guy. After work I like to loosen up my tie, unbutton my collar and relax with a couple fingers of sourmash... more»
Burt Reynolds Lives Like a Princess

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Commentary

I've interviewed scores of Hollywood stars, but I never took them at anything more than face value, especially Burt Reynolds. I never guessed the... more»
Get the Hell Off My Property!

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Columnists

A most distressing thing happened to me the other day. There I was, squatting like a baboon in my bed, trying to pass a bolus the size of a medicine... more»
Tuesday is Payday

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Columnists

Hola mis amigos. Gettin' any? I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I been up to my ass with shit that I had to do. First and foremost,... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Horoscopes

A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon. more»
Retread Threads

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Infographic

Sales of vintage clothing are booming, with resale stores popping up all over the country, especially around college campuses. Why are so many people... more»
Philip Morris Under Fire

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | What Do You Think?

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting... more»