Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 18, 1996 - September 24, 1996 | Issue 30•06

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem. Refusing to adhere to club dress codes, membership restrictions and mandates of behavioral decorum, the slobs, many of them...

Earth To Be Made Child-Safe

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News

NEW YORK—Renamed the Sportin' Kids Family Fun Play Globe, the planet will soon be full of colorful plush items. more»
German-Style Krackhaüs Offers Hearty Cocaine

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News

Rousing shouts of "Prosit!" and boot-shaped vials frothing over with hearty, dark German-style crack are the order of the day at Hans von Kreutzen's... more»
Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday... more»
McDonald's Restaurant To Open in Washroom Of Existing McDonald's

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The McDonald's Corporation, ever dedicated to providing inexpensive, tasty and convenient food to as much of the world as... more»
Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News

FALMOUTH, MA—Kevin Lassally, who likes to hold and kiss men, rescued a family of four from a deadly blaze. more»
Area Man Demands More Starches

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a... more»
Chuck Norris Fighting For Everyone Who Can't Fight Back

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a local television announcer, at 11:30 p.m. this Sunday on WPZH channel 27, Chuck Norris will fight for everyone who... more»
Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a... more»
Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon... more»
Earth Explodes

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and... more»
Physics T.A. Not Born In U.S.

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Scandal rocked the University of Texas Monday, when it was learned that Bin Lu, a 28-year-old physics teaching assistant, was not born... more»
MIT Scientists Perfect $30 Million Love Tester

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Photos
Largemouth Bass Has Largemouth Sass!

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Photos
Chick Corea Falls To Communists

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | News In Photos
Blind People Are Faking It

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Commentary

Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious... more»
I'm Sorry, Jesus

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Commentary

Oh, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, I am sorry for the many sins that I have committed. I will try to do better in the future and will work to be an... more»
I Think I May Have Had Sex Just Now

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Columnists

All right, I'll just come out and say it: In all my 124 years of life I have never had an erection. That is not to say that my three or five children... more»
Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Advice

That Hindenburg Announcer Guy is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Horoscopes

Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you! more»
The Gay Marriage Debate

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other... more»