Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 25, 1996 - October 1, 1996 | Issue 30•07

New Horizontal Device Prevents Falls To Basement

An ingenious new device has taken the architectural world by storm, and homeowners are voicing a common cry: "We want Floors!" The "Floor," a rigid, horizontal, platform-like device installed seven to ten feet above the basement, permits people to remain suspended above the basement area, rather than plunging straight downward, as was inevitable before. "In my...

Dalai Lama Decks Photographer In Disco Melee

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News

NEW YORK—An angry and visibly intoxicated Dalai Lama was arrested early this morning after assaulting a photographer outside the newly revamped... more»
New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—This new find is Earth's nearest celestial neighbor, beating Alpha Centauri by four light years minus a few feet. more»
Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News

BRAMP, KS—Freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to their room. more»
Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing 'Right to Chicken Done Right'

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move hailed by the Clinton Administration as "a culinary turning point for our nation," and reviled by some Republicans as... more»
Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Brief

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who saved an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself... more»
Mafia Breaks Off Diplomatic Relations With CIA

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Mafia announced Monday that after more than 50 years of close relations, the powerful crime organization is breaking off ties... more»
Infomercial Host Skeptical At First, Then Delighted By Product

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—After several minutes of heavy skepticism, television star and compensated product endorser Tom Wopat was won over by the DeFroster... more»
Singer Cites Girlfriend As Reason He Lives, Dies, Breaks Down, Cries

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a song recently recorded by aspiring country singer Colin Barnett, longtime girlfriend Lori Sue Jennings is the reason... more»
Eco-Friendly Junkies Launch Needle Re-Use Program

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Greatly concerned with America's ever-worsening landfill problem, a group of San Francisco-based heroin addicts have established... more»
Afro-Disney Plans Scrapped

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Photos

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Swiss Avalanche Kills Thousands; World Stays Neutral

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Photos
Clinton Takes Stand Against Harmful UV Radiation

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Photos
Local Band Cleverly Alters Product Logo

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | News In Photos
I Despise Our Local Weather Coverage

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Commentary

I can no longer tolerate our local weather coverage. I turn on the Channel 7 news at 5, and for the first 20 minutes I get wonderful, beaming smiles... more»
How We Made It Through The Great Recession

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Commentary

The year was 1987, a time I'll never forget. The country was in the grips of the Great Recession, the worst economic crisis my generation had ever... more»
The First Wife's Club Had Divorced Women In It

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Commentary

I saw an advertisement on the television set the other night while I was watching my favorite program, Archie Bunker, for the movie which is... more»
I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Columnists

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Horoscopes

God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz. more»
The Cigar Craze

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Infographic

All across America, more people are enjoying the rich, flavorful taste of cigars than ever before. Why are why lighting up? more»
The Great Wal-Mart of China

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | What Do You Think?

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more... more»