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October 2, 1996 - October 8, 1996 | Issue 30•08

Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten

TILDEN, OH—A article just published in the October issue of Cat Fancy magazine blasts local kitten Mr. Paws, calling him "far from purr-fect" and a "cat-aclysmic failure." "Unlike the typical feline that appears in Cat Fancy, Mr. Paws does not behave in a manner that can in any way be considered adorable or cuddly," said Neil Kilmer, Cat Fancy...

Christopher Reeve Placed Atop Washington Monument

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Paralyzed actor Christopher Reeve will remain atop the structure on permanent 24-hour display. more»
FAA To Require Longer Fuses on Commercial Planes

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move calculated to reduce significantly the number of catastrophic midair explosions aboard U.S. airliners, the FAA announced... more»
Sports Fan Killed in Tragic Home Entertainment Center Collapse

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News

MENASHA, WI—Local resident Stan Blaskowitz, a self-described "sports fanatic," was crushed and killed Sunday, when his seven-foot, 900-pound home... more»
U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi Suspected of Making the Country Up

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Chad Halpern, U.S. Ambassador to the West African nation of Bulungi since 1994, has been asked to return to Washington to face... more»
Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News

DUBLIN—A green-and-white soap, designed with the filthy Irish in mind, will all but eliminate their abominable stench. more»
Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an... more»
Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Brief

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet,... more»
West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Brief

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes.... more»
Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff... more»
Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's... more»
Coach Filmed Before Live Studio Audience

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Photos
JFK Jr. Celebrates 10,000th Coupling

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Photos
Freemasons Return to Jupiter

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Photos
Area Mofo Announces Plans To Chill

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | News In Photos
I Would Like To Win a Prize

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | Commentary

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it... more»
Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | Columnists

Goddamn it, nurse! How many times do I have to tell you? Wipe front to back, not back to front! You want me to get an infection? Mindless ox! more»
Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | Horoscopes

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine. more»
TV's Top New Shows

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | Infographic

The fall TV season is here, and some hotly anticipated new shows are finally hitting the airwaves. Which ones are we watching the most? more»
Yeltsin's Failing Health

issue 3008 | 10.02.96 | What Do You Think?

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last... more»