Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 9, 1996 - October 15, 1996 | Issue 30•09

Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over." Speaking to an assembled group of 100 top mutual-fund managers at the Washington Hilton, Greenspan declared that "from now on, my interest rate in fat chicks is exactly zero... I deserve world-class vulva." The...

Bob Dole Demands Preemptive Recount

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—During a campaign swing through lower Texas Monday, Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole demanded a recount of the... more»
Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations. more»
Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News

OAHU, HI—Sources deep within Hawaiian Punch's secret military compound near Oahu revealed Monday that the fruit juice superpower has developed a... more»
Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News

LAS VEGAS—Daredevil Evel Knievel, famous for performing thrilling, death-defying, physical feats, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace... more»
Fog Machine Heightens Drama At Children's Piano Recital

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Brief

SOMERVILLE, MA—A fog machine heightened the drama at a children's piano recital Sunday, injecting considerable tension into an otherwise routine... more»
Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda... more»
Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Brief

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming... more»
Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Brief

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled... more»
Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate... more»
Local Oafs to Spawn

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Photos
Bette Midler Ruptures

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Photos
Sausage Storm Grounds Nation's Airliners

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Photos
Busybody Fireman Ruins Suicide Attempt

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | News In Photos
Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Commentary

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from... more»
Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Columnists

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball... more»
I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Columnists

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Horoscopes

Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling... more»
Voter Apathy

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Infographic

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't... more»
Fat-Free Frenzy

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | Infographic

Despite Health Warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them? more»
The First Wives Phenomenon

issue 3009 | 10.09.96 | What Do You Think?

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time... more»