Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 16, 1996 - October 22, 1996 | Issue 30•10

Necrophiliac's Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

REDBURN, VT—Next week, Thomas Holwell will be released from prison, having served a six-year sentence for disinterring and sexually assaulting 17 corpses. He will move back to Redburn—and the news is not sitting well with the town's substantial dead population. "The people I've dealt with here seem really tense," said Henry Phelps, chief mortician at Redburn's Shady...

Price Is Right Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News

BURBANK, CA—Mark Goodson, executive producer of CBS's The Price Is Right, has delivered an ultimatum to President Clinton: Withdraw all occupying... more»
Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since... more»
Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a... more»
NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press... more»
Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Brief

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to... more»
Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President... more»
White To Attend Boat Show

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white... more»
Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Brief

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa... more»
MTV Shifts Focus To Youth

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In response to shifting demographics, MTV announced a major change in the station's format Monday. Older-audience favorites such as Art... more»
FDA Calls Concrete Breast Implants 'Architecturally Sound'

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Photos
'97 Neons To Come In Three Hideous New Colors

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Photos
Lottery Winner Burns Money In Faces Of Poor Children

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Photos
Pure Silk To Stream From Cindy Crawford's Ass

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | News In Photos
I Enjoy Being a Battery

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | Commentary

Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power... more»
The Onion Was A Merry Place In My Day!

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | Columnists

Often my thoughts turn to the old press-room, over which I presided nigh unto 70 years. What heady days those were! So great was the camaraderie... more»
Two Pack Shaker Is Dead!

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | Columnists

Item! Obliquely named "rapper" (as it's known in some parts) Two Pack Shaker was shot in Las Vegas recently, and he slipped away into... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 16, 1996

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | Horoscopes

Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts. more»
Fat-Free Frenzy

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | Infographic

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them? more»
Angels Among Us?

issue 3010 | 10.16.96 | What Do You Think?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think? more»